


how far i'll go

by chaerubims



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 22:00:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21886090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaerubims/pseuds/chaerubims
Summary: it's what we do for the ones we love.
Relationships: Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Kim Jiwoo | Chuu
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO!! this plot just bothered me and it's rushed (also i'm sleepy and lazy to wait for tomorrow to proofread this) so i'm sorry if it's a mess??
> 
> inspired by a quote from the movie 'alice: boy from wonderland' and yea. the trigger warning is there bc there is a mention of suicide and it's slightly... gore, i guess?
> 
> again i'm sorry it's mess but i still hope u like it :)))
> 
> last: i'm on twitter as @Ioonasphere (capital i)!
> 
> [ originally posted on aff under wizorbit. ]

_ “it’s what we do for the ones we love.” _

those were the last words that enters jiwoo’s ears- when she was alive, at least.

➳➳➳➳➳

_ “chaewon… i-i’m sorry chaewon. we found jiwoo, but… we found her corpse. lifeless.” _

the words hit chaewon like roaring thunder. it was overwhelming, really. how numerous emotions were filling her entire body, waving throughout, making her shake quite literally. her phone which was firmly grasped by her left hand and gently pressed on her left ear hits the ground, and soon, her knees follow. tears well up in her eyes as the words jungeun gave her repeated in her mind again and again, as if it was a catchy tune or a mantra. she gasps in a manner barely audible, but just loud enough for hyunjin, who was with her the whole time, to hear. the latter stares at her same-aged friend, tilting her head in curiosity.

_ anger. rage. sadness. grief. _ it filled chaewon’s heart and mind, and it was clearly taking a toll on her in all aspects. she attempts to scream in hopes of erasing the pain, the sound coming out of her mouth barely a whimper.

it was funny, really. chaewon expected this kind of news to break her entire existence completely- because what is worse than losing a friend, a sister,  _ family _ to death? she had expected it to hurt and hurt for days or months, but after a few minutes, it doesn’t.

chaewon didn’t feel anything after, oddly. she knows, though, that inside she is quite empty.

➳➳➳➳➳

_ “i’m gonna ask you again, sooyoung. why the fuck did you do it?!” _

the detective’s loud, frustrated scream rings through sooyoung’s ears like a bell. it makes her smile, genuinely, sweetly. her gentle laughter erupts throughout the entire room as she struggles to scratch her head with her cuffed hands. “yerim, i told you why. numerous times now.” she says calmly, her sweet smile still present. her facade is ironic, if you’d ask anyone. her hair was neatly tied up in a ponytail and her eyes were… sparkling? the moonlight seeping through the windows gives an ethereal glow to her angelic features. beneath those, though, she wore a pastel pink cropped shirt and an immaculate white pair of shorts, partnered with sneakers of the same colour… except they  _ weren’t _ immaculate- not anymore, at least- as they were stained with crimson red blood, the same ones that covered her legs and arms, the same ones that were dripping on her fingers. 

the detective, her friend yerim, smashed a fist onto the table. “sooyoung, please answer me seriously. i’ve had enough- jungeun’s had enough, hell, even jinsol’s had enough! please tell me whatever the fuck happened that lead you to kill jiwoo! i-i… goddammit, sooyoung, whatever it is i’m sure jiwoo didn’t deserve that!” yerim was already sobbing when she finished her sentence, burying her face into the palm of her hands. it prompts sooyoung to get up and walk closer to yerim, stopping when she was right beside her. though she struggles, she tries her best to rub yerim’s back. the latter flinches, but lets sooyoung otherwise. the older girl may have committed a serious crime, she was still their friend and wouldn’t hurt them… though yerim doubts that.

“alright. i’ll tell you everything, yerim. bring everyone, too, if you want to. i just have three conditions: you give me at least my blade back, please? it’s so important to me, just give it back,” sooyoung pleads. yerim sighs before opening her drawer, pulling out a thin sheet and handing it to sooyoung. the former stares at the latter rather expectantly. “second condition, you all are gonna be facing backwards when i tell my tale. i’ll be looking at you, but you can’t look at me. if you want to face me, you have to be blindfolded.” at this, yerim raises a brow, but keeps her mouth shut. instead, she just nods, agreeing. sooyoung is mischievous, yes, but the younger knows that deep inside, the older girl still has a heart and will not escape. “right. last, no matter what happens, you’re not allowed to touch me or go near me. i… i don’t want to hurt more of you.”

➳➳➳➳➳

_ “sooyoung… we were friends! we were  _ **_fucking_ ** _ friends yet you do this… sooyoung, jiwoo doesn’t deserve this! damn you! i hope you go to hell!” _

sooyoung chuckles at chaewon’s statement. “chaewon, you don’t need to hope. i’m going to straight to hell after this,” the tall girl says with a smile on her face. it didn’t look like she wanted to piss chaewon- or anyone- off with her smile because it looked  _ painfully  _ genuine. the other girls try to calm chaewon down, but sooyoung’s voice halts them. “you don’t have to stop her, you know? she loved jiwoo more than anyone else. let her get it out of her chest. besides, i deserve all the harsh words, don’t i?” haseul stares at her with pity and concern, and sooyoung takes notice. “haseul, you don’t have to look at me like that. i’m fine- well, no, i’m not. but i will be! i have to be! after all, i caused all this chaos.”

“quit the chatter. let’s not waste more time and just get right to it, sooyoung.” jinsol says sternly, making the others flinch. the girl glares daggers in sooyoung’s direction, only to be met with rather kind eyes and a warm smile. “after this, you won’t see me again. ever. i’ll rot in hell like how chaewon wants me to. i’ll do that, i promise! it’s the least i could do, after what i did…”

➳➳➳➳➳

_ (the following is written in  _ **_sooyoung’s point of view_ ** _.) _

“ _ i asked her out on a… date? i guess you could call it that. _ ” i look at their backs and chuckle. the blade yerim returned to me was firmly in my hold, my hand inching it closer to my wrist. “ _ you know how jiwoo loved me. she agreed in an instant- a rather foolish move, if you’d ask me. a date at 11, not knowing where you’ll be going. it was stupid, really. i made it obvious that i was up to something, considering the time. she should’ve refused, and believe me if she did, this wouldn’t have happened. our little jiwoo would still be very much alive. she let feelings get in her mind, though.  _

“ _ i’m gonna be honest with you, i thought she was gonna cancel everything and ask me to go back when i drove us to a dark alley. foolish jiwoo didn’t, though. you know, it broke my heart that i had to do it to her- yeah! i was fucking ordered to do it! i was forced to! i prayed to the gods that she would tell me to turn back, that she would refuse my invitation such late at night. i… i didn’t have the heart to do it. believe me when i tell you there was no reason i was forced to do it, though. i… i’m afraid i can’t let you know the reason- _ ” “bullshit! sooyoung, stop playing with us. what the fuck is the reason you had to do that?” jungeun’s voice cracked as she shouted, and it was clear the girl was about to break into tears if she hasn’t already. i giggled a little as i let the blade cut through my skin. “ _ i was protecting you. all of you. unfortunately, i had to sacrifice jiwoo, my jiwoo, chaewon’s jiwoo, everyone’s jiwoo. if i was to tell you, then my efforts would just be wasted, _ ” i tell them. kahei burst out laughing at what i said. i can’t blame her, though, if i was her, i’d laugh at me, too. it made no sense, protecting them? when i killed jiwoo with my own hands?

“ _ back to the story! when we got to the end of the alley… i kissed her. roughly, passionately, whatever. we almost had… you know. before we got to that point, though, i stabbed her back three times. before getting off of her and beating the shit out of her. the sight was horrible, believe me. her nose was crushed and her face was filled with blood. i broke her arm, too. it… it was gruesome. i don’t know how i did that, but i did. for some reason, i kept stabbing her after that, and then cut her wrists open with my blade. and as if i wasn’t satisfied yet i…… wrapped her neck with a rope. before i completely kill her, though, she asked me why i did that. she asked me why it had to be her. _ ” i stopped for a while, cutting my wrists deeper and deeper. “and what did you tell her, idiot?” jinsol asked, her voice trembling. to this, sooyoung smiled. “ _ it’s what we do for the ones we love… _ ”

i can see haseul and hyejoo shaking their heads. yeojin bowed hers, as well as yerim while kahei, jinsol and jungeun… i’m not really sure. “ _ story time’s over, loves. you can look at me now, i mean, not that would ever want to look at me again, but yeah. if you ever want to, you’re allowed to. _ ” i said and smiled. jungeun turned her head and gasped. “sooyoung, what the fuck?” she said loudly, causing the others to snap their heads and look towards me. hyejoo was first to act, standing up before running near me. “ _ hyejoo, stay where you are. no one’s allowed near me, _ ” i said sternly. she stops, and a lone tear escapes her eye. “sooyoung unnie, why? don’t do that to yourself…”

“ _ you see, guys, jiwoo isn’t the only sacrifice, _ ” i said with a smile while burying the blade deeper into my wrists and pulling it out. there was already a pool of my blood, but they kept flowing and flowing. “ _ i am, as well. _ ” i eyed each and every one of them “ _ i love you all, remember that, _ ” i told them before my vision goes blurry. yeojin screams, “but… why?!” i can already feel my life slipping away. “ _ ah, i’m sleepy, _ ” i said and chuckled. “ _ why, you ask? _ ” i close my eyes, a smile still present on my face. 

“ _ it’s what we do for the ones we love.” _


	2. revised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the same thing, but revised! it's longer and less of a mess :)
> 
> [ again, originally posted on aff under wizorbit. ]

_ “it’s what we do for the ones we love.” _

the words were neatly written on the floor using crimson red blood. next to the words was a lifeless corpse, beaten drastically to the point its face was severely damaged and barely recognizable. the victim’s right arm was in a deep shade of purple and its wrist was barely attached. on top of the torn, blood-washed shirt that the poor soul wore was a notebook, its cover adorning numerous blood stains and its previously immaculate white pages were flushed in red. there was also a burgundy-tinted cap near the victim’s body. the sight was horrible, no living soul would dream of ever gazing at the scene.

it was jungeun, jinsol, and yerim’s job to do so, though.

in latex gloves, they took pictures and noted evidences for the investigation. jinsol, being the oldest, went near the body and took the notebook that was gently resting on the chest of the lifeless corpse. at this point, no one would be able to determine the gender of the person brutally beaten up and stabbed to death. however, inspecting up close, the person was a girl- given the long hair and her breasts. jinsol inspects a bit closer, because for some reason she feels like she knows this girl on a personal level. she raises her head when jungeun’s phone rings. yerim raises a brow and asks, “who’s that?”

jungeun fishes her phone out of her pocket and stares. “it’s chaewon. why do you think she called? she knows we’re on duty tonight…” jungeun trails, and jinsol looks at the corpse tentatively before gazing at jungeun again. “whatever it is, it better be important. it’s like a golden rule to never bother anyone on duty. it has to be very,  _ very  _ important for her to call, don’t you think?” jinsol answers as she crouches down to inspect the corpse better. she tilts her head when she saw something glint at the girl’s chest. her brows furrow immediately. it was a silver necklace with its pendant shaped a paper plane. on one of the planes wings, the letter c was engraved. it was familiar, oddly familiar. jinsol knows one of her friends wore something like this most of the time, but who?

jungeun coughs, promptly causing jinsol to stand up and stare at her. yerim was also looking at jungeun expectantly. “so… what did chaewon say?” yerim asks jungeun, their squad’s leader. jungeun’s brows were knitted closely together and her lips were shaped in a pout. “she said jiwoo’s missing. said they tried to locate jiwoo’s phone and the address she gave me was this place. it doesn’t make sense, don’t you think?” jungeun’s statement lights a bulb in jinsol’s head. she gazes at the corpse.  _ no, this can’t be _ . “y-yerim, call jiwoo’s phone.” jinsol orders and yerim’s shoulders dropped. “unnie, i left my phone at the van.” jinsol sighs and fishes her phone out. her thumb hovers over jiwoo’s contact that was saved as ‘chuu <3’ before she presses it. from not far away, they could hear a buzz. yerim walks to pick whatever was buzzing, and came back with jiwoo’s phone. “yeah. it doesn’t make sense. why is jiwoo’s phone here?” yerim waves their friend’s phone that was in a rather good condition. jinsol gasps and covers her mouth. 

“jiwoo… does she have a paper plane necklace that has a letter c engraved on one of its flaps?” jinsol asks, making jungeun look at her weirdly. “that’s an oddly specific question, jinsol unnie. she does have one, though. likes to wear it a lot, too, because haseul gave it to her, or something.” jungeun answers. jinsol shakes her head, tears welling in her eyes. the other two present gaze at her as if she was insane. “guys, the corpse is wearing that necklace. we also found jiwoo’s phone here… could the corpse be… jiwoo?” jinsol says, her voice cracking, a lone threatening to fall. yerim’s eyes go wide and jungeun goes to the corpse by instinct, checking if what jinsol said was true.

and it was.

➳➳➳➳➳

_ “chaewon… i-i’m sorry chaewon. we found jiwoo, but… we found her corpse. lifeless.” _

chaewon stops in her tracks, promptly making her same-aged friends heejin and hyunjin to stop as well. she feels a gush of emotion in her as her tears well in her eyes. her expression remained stoic, but her knees dropped to the ground, just like her jaw. the girl couldn’t believe it, they were happily eating together before all of this happened. heejin kneels in front of her and hyunjin stands behind chaewon. “won-ah, what happened? what did jungeun unnie say?” heejin asked right as a tears fell from chaewon’s face. “don’t cry, what happened? did they find jiwoo?” hyunjin asked, staring at the crown of chaewon’s head, her gaze concerned. the youngest did not answer, instead she was silently crying with her eyes opened so wide that her eyeballs could fall out. “what happened?” heejin repeats, and this time, chaewon shakes her head while forcing out a smile. “t-they found jiwoo,” chaewon said, confusing heejin and hyunjin even more. nonetheless, heejin smiles at her, “then that’s good, right? they found her. should we get to her?”

hyunjin nodded in agreement with heejin. chaewon promptly shakes her head, more tears running down her face. she wanted to scream, to make the pain go away. every attempt at shouting is a fail, however, as nothing but choked sounds leave her mouth. she shuts her eyes tight, praying to the gods that jungeun and her squad found the wrong person, that jiwoo is still out the missing because that is what she’d rather have. she’d rather have jiwoo, lost and wandering around, instead of knowing where jiwoo is but her heart beats no more. she opens her mouth again, attempting a scream, but nothing comes out but weak whimpers and chaewon lets herself rest on her hands that were now touching the floor. “no, it’s not a good thing.” chaewon said that put heejin and hyunjin more confused than they were earlier. “that’s not a good thing? we’ve been trying to find her for hours now and they did. we can rest after we fetch jiwoo. i think that’s a good thing.”

“they found her dead.” chaewon says, her forced smile diminishing little by little, just like her world.

➳➳➳➳➳

_ “not until you’re dead as well.” _

sooyoung laughs at the statement before she rests her back on the sofa. she gazed at joowon’s infuriated face and laughed even harder. a loud bang echoed throughout the room as joowon’s fist hit the table hard. “why the fuck are you laughing?!” her voice was loud and full of authority, but sooyoung did not falter. instead, she looked joowon in the eye with a bored gaze. “look, you said i needed to kill one of loona. i just did as you said, joowon! why are you mad? is it because i killed the love of your stupid fucking life?” sooyoung nonchalantly said before focusing on her lower body that was covered in stains of blood. half of her light pink torso was dipped in crimson and her white shorts and sneakers were now a blood-shade of red. her legs were stained with blood that didn’t belong to her, and her arms were no better as they were also scratched. “bitch!” sooyoung raises her head, eyeing joowon lazily. “yeah, i know. oh, and by the way, i don’t plan on living, anyway. not until… oh whatever, you don’t have to know. just fucking leave the girls alone or i’ll kill you when i’m dead. i’ll possess one of your friends and brutally kill you the way i did with jiwoo- minus the sex part, of course,” she grins at joowon.

“fuck you! go to hell!” joowon cusses and sooyoung just laughs. “no need to hope, i’m going to hell anyways. oh, and one more thing, joowon. jiwoo’s the only one i fucked and will fuck in this goddamn lifetime,”

➳➳➳➳➳

_ “sooyoung unnie…. jiwoo- she’s- sooyoung unnie, jiwoo was found dead earlier…” _

jungeun’s voice cracked and loud wails were heard. sooyoung wants to laugh, wants to chuckle in amusement, but she knows she’s not supposed to.  _ if only you knew, jungeun _ , sooyoung thinks, a small grin gracing her lips. “j-jungeun, i… i actually know. i was there, i-i witnessed everything. i only hid because i was scared. i’m sorry i… i could have saved her but i was too scared… i’m sorry, i’m sorry,” sooyoung fakes her sobs, somehow still managing to smile. “...if you would, p-please bring them over tomorrow… everyone. i’ll- i’ll tell you everything.” sooyoung adds, plopping herself down on her sofa. jungeun merely agrees after asking the others. “oh, but i have one request…” sooyoung trails. “you can’t be facing me. please? i-i think i got anxious, you know, with what i witnessed… i’m sure you know how horrid the sight was… i just don’t want eyes on me.”

sooyoung has gone crazy. after finishing her work with jiwoo and heading to joowon’s, she feels like crying and laughing at the same time. after all, she killed the love of her life by her own choice. sure, joowon did say she had to kill someone in her friend group as sacrifice, however, joowon did not specify who. the choice to end jiwoo’s life was completely hers, and that was what she was to blame for. there weren’t much regrets for sooyoung, though.

“i’ll see you soon, jiwoo. i’m sorry, very sorry.”

➳➳➳➳➳

_ “i have something to tell you.” _

sooyoung’s statement has captured the attention of the ten girls in front of her. it was pretty obvious despite the fact that they had their back turned on sooyoung as per the girl’s request. “what is it, sooyoung?” haseul asks with a rather soft voice filled with concern. the former can’t help but wonder, what if haseul knew all along? would her soft voice, her caring tone still be the same?  _ silly, silly sooyoung. of course, it would change. drastically _ . “i’m the killer.” sooyoung replies and grins. she hears kahei gasp and sees yeojin lift her hand. chaewon was about to turn around, but sooyoung’s commanding voice stops her. “you’re not allowed to turn around, chaewon.” she says sternly, her grin slowly fading and her expression stoic. chaewon wasn’t facing her, but she can almost see the smirk painted on the latter’s lips. “and what if i do?”

this time, sooyoung smirks. “chaewon, chaewon, chaewon. how much of a fool are you? i told you, i killed jiwoo. you all know how much i love her. what makes you think i’ll hesitate to do the same to you?” she says, grinning smugly at everyone’s backs. hyejoo gasps audibly and holds chewon’s wrists. “chaewon unnie, i know sooyoung unnie is our friend but right now i don’t know if it would be right to disobey her. what she said was true, if she really did kill jiwoo unnie, then nothing would hold her back in doing the same to us. we all know how she loves jiwoo deeply. the world doesn’t have enough people born in the 21st century yet, you can’t die yet.” sooyoung laughs at hyejoo, genuinely this time. she laughs out loud until her stomach was aching and if the other girls were facing her, they would eye her weirdly. “what’s funny, sooyoung unnie? i don’t think what hyejoo said was funny.” hyunjin’s voice was small but just enough so that everyone in the room can hear. sooyoung gives out an amused grin, “chaewon was born in 2000, though. that’s still a part of the 20th century,”

“it is? oh. uhm, but, chaewon unnie still can’t die yet. uh, because, uh. we’re going to sweden! yes. we still want to go to south america.”

“was hyejoo originally this stupid?” sooyoung rubbed her palms on her face frustratedly. “sweden is in fucking europe. don’t you have a map at home?” sooyoung snickers. hyejoo mutters a small apology before pulling chaewon down, promptly making her sit down. the heavy atmosphere sooyoung created was slightly lifted thanks to hyejoo, but the tension was still present. “anyways, that’s not why we’re here. sooyoung, you have a story to tell. i… i don’t you’re the killer. so, go on.” haseul says and sooyoung chuckles. her hands go inside the back pocket of her shorts, taking out a blade and holding it firmly. she hovers it above her wrist, occasionally stopping right above her pulse point. “i’m not the killer if you don’t want me to be it. here’s the story…

“huh. i don’t really want to go much in detail, but, jiwoo and i were just walking casually, we were headed towards a nearby park. you know, it was just the usual cliché, holding hands while walking… and under the moonlight, as well. we would stop by in front of shops or stalls because jiwoo takes time to look at everything. it’s sad, y’know? her smiles were brighter than the moon and the sun. it also didn’t help that she looked so, so good and ethereal. i knew, i knew it would be my last fond memory of her, and it shouldn’t have been. had it not be her kissing me until we reach that darkened alley, none of this would have had happened. it was stupid, looking back at it now. we could’ve went back to my apartment, but no. we headed towards a dark alley, because we couldn’t control our hormones. to put this very long story shorter, we had… sex. in that dark alley. not ideal, i know…

“moments later, though, someone pushed me and grabbed jiwoo. the alley was dark, but it was slightly lit by the moonlight, so it wasn’t black out. there, i saw this… girl? yeah, she kissed jiwoo. i was infuriated, but what she did next had me glued on my spot. she stabbed jiwoo, right where the heart should be, before punching her in the face. she continued punching and beating jiwoo, and i wanted to look away, but i couldn’t. i was frozen,” the blade that was previously hovering above sooyoung’s wrists were now sinked in her. it pierced through her skin, letting blood gush out. sooyoung wanted to scream so, so bad, but this is what she wanted, right? so she instead looks at the girls with an amused expression on her face. she lets the blade cut her deeper and the blood to ooze more. “as if she didn’t have enough of everything, she took a brick and used it to hit jiwoo everywhere. on her face, her arms, her legs. she continued stabbing, occasionally punching jiwoo anywhere she’d like. sometimes, she’d kick jiwoo as well. it was a heartbreaking sight. when she felt achieved, she wrote something on the floor and left a notebook on jiwoo’s chest and ran away. i… i had a chance to gaze at the killer’s face before she left, though. i recognized it immediately…

“it was me,” sooyoung pauses and pulls the blade out of her wrist. she watches the blood escape her skin. “i didn’t do it without reason, though. joowon was plotting a mass murder and the main targets are us. i found out about her plan, and confronted her about it. she said she’ll pull the plans if and only if i killed someone in our friend circle. it couldn’t be me, according to her. she loved jiwoo so much, too, didn’t she? jiwoo was also my girlfriend. it would be so much easier, don’t you think? it’ll pain me, but it’ll pain her, as well. also, if i invited jiwoo over, she would accept immediately, she wouldn’t find it weird because i’m her girlfriend. i’m her fucking girlfriend yet i did all this to her. how ironic,” sooyoung lets out an amused laugh. “so i did what i did. but i couldn’t forgive myself if i’ll live and jiwoo doesn’t. after all we’ve been through? it would be unfair that she’s the only to leave the earth so soon. she didn’t want that. i don’t want this as well, but i have no other choice. i can’t continue my life without jiwoo… i can’t continue my damned life knowing that jiwoo isn’t here because i chose to kill her and not one of you, but there aren’t much regrets. i’ll be seeing her soon, anyways.”

this alarms haseul. she turns her head and her eyes almost bawl out with the sight she was welcomed with- sooyoung, on the floor, a blade in her right hand, her left wrist cut open. the carpet was also soaked in blood, and sooyoung was coated in her own. “sooyoung… don’t do this… you don’t have to do this.” haseul says, catching the attention of yerim who looks at sooyoung as well. “oh my god… sooyoung unnie… guys help me carry her-” “don’t. let me be.” sooyoung says sternly. the rest of the girls can only stare at her in shock, eyes filled with confusion, a thousand questions dying in their throats. all they could ask was a small, soft “ _ why? _ ” that makes sooyoung smile.

her vision was starting to get blurry and her eyelids are getting heavy. she could feel her life escaping the prison of her body, but she still proceeds on giving them a smile, so precious and genuine.

_ “it’s what we do for the ones we love.” _

her eyelids flutter close, and the last thing she hears are the sobs of the ten remaining girls.

➳➳➳➳➳

“sooyoung.”

“o-oh. jiwoo, i-i’m sorry.”


End file.
